I’ve decided to become an Instagram model.
The idea has been seeding for some time. It started with Love and Hip Hop. Half the girls on the show have successful music careers. The other have successful Instagram modeling careers. I can’t rap or sing, so at this stage my best chance of getting on the show is probably through curating a public gallery of thot-shots. I mean, that’s how Kim K got her start, kind of.
The time is ripe. It’s becoming much more acceptable socially to bare the bod. And people are making a living from it. Instagram has created an online marketplace where you can literally sell your influence, your sex appeal, to brands and advertisers.
There might be other advantages to becoming an Instagram model. Self-love, self-expression, it could be argued.
But really the idea started with Love and Hip Hop. I see these girls like Jade the paralegal, and Alexis Skyy, the big-booty model, and I see what they’re getting. They’re fucking with rappers, they’re blinged out, they’ve been scouted for a television show. All because they looked sexy in a 2D square? How hard could it be?
We’ve all seen those ‘behind the scenes’ photos of how you just need the right angle and the right lighting to make almost anyone look a million dollars. I can deceive people too, with a little help from my friends.
I enlisted the help of Bad Press co-editor Anna Bradley-Smith as chief photographer for the account. We did our research. I now follow most of the strippers from Starlets NYC on Instagram. They know what they’re doing. Anna and I went back and forth with inspiring shots on the Gram.
We planned some themed shoots. Swimsuit shoot. Sporty shoot with a football or other prop. We planned outfits. Sheer white t-shirt, chunky thong. Fishnet shorts, tiny thong.
Time to get to work. We staged an impromptu session in our office. The tiniest g-string I could find (finally getting some use out of it). Some over-the-knee boots (inspired by our fellow Instagram colleagues). A top (any old). Curtains open, curtains shut. The Bad Press co-editor directed me with confidence. Get on the bed. Leg up, leg down, turn around, pop the booty out, arch your back, top off, hold the sheet, Up a bit. Down a bit. My back was getting quite sore from the arching.
After about 15 minutes she declared we had the shot. She sent me three, of the maybe 100 she took. I liked one and decided I needed to lose some belly fat.
Now to set up the account. Went to a witty friend for name ideas, she came back: Home and Hoes. Bio: I’m a hoe and I’m at home. Perfect, I could get behind that. Most of the pictures would be taken in the home, after all. I fired it up and then had second thoughts: is that a bit degrading?
I racked my brain. I wanted something with a jewel in it. Something like my name. Hmmm. Juicy Diamonds. Perfect. But that was taken. Had to go with Juicy.Diamondz. If I am going to become the more popular Juicy Diamond offshoot on Instagram I’ll have to acquire more than 1,200 followers. I think I can do it.
But now I have a few pieces of content, I have my Instagram handle, I have the account set up, and for some reason I can’t pull the trigger and make it live.
In fact, I’ve started another procrastination account in the meantime: ‘Seen on the NYC Subway’. That account already has about 8 posts on it, and I’ve kick-started it with 100 paid followers.
Maybe I just don’t have the balls to be an Instagram model? Stay tuned to see if Juicy.Diamondz gets her shit together.